2018: Year of the Dog

Hello and welcome to the annual installment of Sophie's ramblings. Seeing that I haven't posted since over a year ago and this silly old blog hasn't been taken off the internet yet, I felt it best to post something!
According to a google search I conducted approximately one minute ago, 2018 is the Year of the Dog  for Chinese Zodiac. I found this to be fitting because I like dogs and I have liked 2018 (for the most part). Of course there were some set backs and some heavy hearted moments, but I think I may have grown as a person this year more than any other year so far (emotionally, unfortunately my growth spurts seem to be over). Here's a summary of what happened! I will try not to ramble too much.

1. I was sick a lot. I started the good old New Year with a nasty cold that I couldn't kick. This definitely hindered my ski racing, especially at the beginning of the season, but there were also other factors that prevented me from skiing my fastest. Then, when I got home to Park City for the summer, I quickly contracted mono which put me out of training for 2ish months. As many seemingly terrible things in life are, I think getting mono was actually a blessing in disguise because it forced me to rest, reflect on why I am an athlete in the first place, and allowed me to work on other parts of myself I had been neglecting.

2. I created a deep, dark, hole in my mind and crawled into it. This happened in the spring, and although it was brief, as in 2-3 weeks, it was the first time that I had ever felt sad for longer than a day or two and it scared me. But it also gave me even more empathy for people who suffer from depression or other mental health disorders. These are completely invisible illnesses and in the moment it's easy to think that your emotions will never be normal again.

3. Did I mention I got mono? Within a week of coming home I hiked Mount Olympus with my mom on Mother's Day. A seemingly pleasant mother-daughter adventure quickly turned sour when I felt like I had legs of lead and my mom felt the food poisoning from a Mother's Day brunch and ended up throwing up during our descent. That night, I went to a Khalid concert with with my friend Kaila, and BAM I woke up the next morning knowing that I was very sick and probably had mono. Fast forward a month of me sitting on the couch reading and watching TV and I was feeling utterly out of shape but kind of relieved to have taken a break from training. I started moving my body again by going on short walks around the neighborhood and going to yoga with my mom. Fast forward to July and I was still feeling tired but was determined to start running again. My friend Aja came and visited from Bozeman and she helped jumpstart my motivation to train again. But the real kick in the butt came from my mom when I was on a climbing trip at the City of Rocks in mid-July. The two of us went for an easy 20 minute jog and I couldn't keep up with her. I had to start walking. This is when my real running training started. For the rest of the summer, I ran faster and faster. Going from 10 minute miles to 7 minute miles. It was truly a testament to how quickly the body can adapt to training if you simply put in the work.

4. I had to say a very hard goodbye. Of course this goodbye was to my dog, brother, and loverboy, Sitka (aka P-Diggy). I spent two days in the deepest despair I had ever felt. I briefly wondered if I would be depressed forever. But then it passed. I knew that I had given that dog all the love I could muster within the 15 years we spent together, and I think that gave me peace. Rest in Peace, my baby boy.

5. I got an actual job! Yee. I worked as a waitress at Slapfish in Park City (because they say everyone has to work as a server at least once) and because I wanted to work on my talking-to-people-especially-strangers-skills. I think it helped. Forcing myself to smile and be bubbly while describing the Epic Fish Burrito™to hungry customers was deeply unnatural for me, but I got pretty good at it with time (despite being verbally abused a few times).

6. I reconnected with an old friend - and it may very well have been the best part about my summer. I have been friends with Ian since I was 5 (?) years old. We actually went to senior prom together in high school, but I hadn't seen him at all since then. I reached out to him and this started a domino line of adventures including going to the lake, me third-wheeling at a Sylan Esso concert, going to the gym together, hiking for 7 hours while being way too hung over, and going skydiving in Moab! It was so awesome (not the skydiving part- that was pretty terrible). I would highly recommend reaching out to old friends in you are feeling lonely.

7. I saw a therapist all summer. And it was 100% worth it and a good idea. There should not be anything wrong or weak or crazy about doing this if you need help with something.

8. I went back to NMU to start my senior year and to be totally honest, I was not very excited. Things were going so well for me in Utah that I kind of just wished that I could stay there. BUT, that attitude quickly changed when I started spending more time with my two new roommates, Julie and Tad, who made me feel comfortable and supported. I had a really fun fall with those two.

9. My cross-country season went well. By some miracle, I was in decent running shape after taking almost two months off from training at the beginning of the summer. I had fun traveling and racing with the team for one last hurrah, and although we didn't end up making it to nationals, we put forth our very best effort considering the number of injuries and other extenuating circumstances that were unraveling our top 7 runners.

10. I went home for Christmas and brought my roommate Julie along with me. I love being home for Christmas and I'm lucky to have such a great family. Of course not everything could go smoothly on this happy-go-lucky holiday so I had to start Christmas morning by backing out of my garage with the rocket box on the car wide open, breaking it in half and rendering it useless. Merry Christmas Y'all!

11. I honestly don't remember where I spent my New Year's Eve (which is kind of sad) It was probably in Craftsbury, Vermont for US Nationals, a place and experience that I don't care to ever relive.

So yeah. That was my Year of the Dog. Started a bit rough, but got better and better as it went on. Moral of the story: whatever you are going through right now, whether it be good or bad, it will change with time. So appreciate those sweet moments even more, and know that the hard moments will come to an end at some point, they have to. #sappy

Thank you for reading :-)



-Sophie

Nerdy n' Fly:

Nerdy n' Fly- that's what I recently changed the name of this blog to and I thought that I would explain why.

Nerdy n' Fly is a motto. It's a way of life. Okay that's getting pretty deep but seriously this idea means a lot to me, I even chose it for the phrase engraved on the inside of my glasses (and it fits well because glasses are the classic symbol of nerdiness). 

Before I tell you exactly what it means though, I have to give you a little bit of background on myself. It's hard to pinpoint when or why exactly my self-deprecating sense of being began, but it goes way back, even to the days when I was a young child who preferred to make some weird, awkward face than try and look cute in pictures. I guess I have always thought that making fun of yourself allows you to not take yourself quite as seriously, it also may stem from a slight (or not so slight) lack of confidence. In any case, this personality trait has completely shaped me and shaped my friendships. I am automatically drawn to people who openly share their embarrassing stories and admit their failures. It shows a lot of trust and courage, in my opinion. Making yourself vulnerable to being judged is scary, but it's also the best way to connect with others. Being weird is great, and if you can find other people who are the same type of weird as you, you have found a blessing. 

I have met many of these blessings throughout my 21 year existence, but it wasn't until I met Kaila Balch that the Nerdy n' Fly lifestyle was born. We were both awkward, unpopular, athletic, "nerds", when our friendship began our sophomore year of high school. Both riddled with social anxiety, neither one of us knew that we both possessed the exact same self-deprecating, sometimes-morbid, unrelenting sense of humor, as well as the same softness of heart. We had coexisted during freshman year cross-country, exchanging friendly remarks and occasional awkward laughs, but nothing more. Sophomore year, we were in three of the same classes, and like a bud in spring, our friendship bloomed into a breathtakingly beautiful flower (cue the romantic comedy montage). Never before had I had a friend who seemed to know the exact thoughts that were crossing my mind, just by exchanging a look across the room. There were multiple times in our sophomore art class where Kaila and I, who sat across and facing each other, had to fight with all our strength not to burst out laughing and disrupt the peaceful doings of art as our old and somewhat cranky teacher played her book on tape which gave a detailed, and harrowing account of the black plague. It wasn't that hearing about the plague was funny (it's really not, it's freaking horrible) it's that the entire class sat silently, diligently working on their still-life fruit paintings as a descriptive passage about pustules bursting on the poor soul's bodies in the story was narrated by a somber woman's voice. Honestly it doesn't seem that funny now but we half-died whenever our teacher put that tape in for the class to listen to. There was another time in that class where I remember forcing myself to look away from Kaila and stare at the wall because a song came on that's chorus crooned "Bulldozer, run right oooover us. Feel the snap and crash of burning flesh!" (It turns out those aren't even the real lyrics) but oh man did we think that sh*t was funny, we laughed about that one for weeks. There was also the time when we had an uncontrollable laughing fit during English when for some unknown reason we started imagining a missile barreling through the window and taking out our teacher Mr. Miller (who we very much liked) who sat innocently telling a story on his stool, wondering what in the world these two normally silent girls were laughing about. The Lord only knows where these thoughts came from, but all we knew was that we understood each other in a way deeper than the surface level, 'I'm a human and you're a human', type of way. This was just the beginning. I could write all night about other hilarious (to us) moments that Kaila and I have had over the course of our friendship but this post would quickly turn into what feels like a romantic novel and you would want to jab your eyes out. But in the end, I'm happy to say that 6 years later Kaila and I are still best friends. We still talk on the phone all the time about stupid stuff, and fart jokes, and how we both have a very refined skill of making almost every situation awkward. Dang I love that girl. But ANYWAY, now that my rant on Kaila and I's wonderful friendship is over, I will get back to the real topic of this blog which is NERDY and FLY!!!

Sometime during the maybe 3rd or 4th year of our friendship, I started saying the phrase, "Nerdy and fly, all at the same time" when referring to Kaila and I's demeanor -- you have to understand that high school was a rough (at best) time for both of us, and although Kaila and I weren't your characteristic 'nerds' we still felt like losers at times. I most definitely thought that I was hit with a stroke of brilliance when I came up with this saying and Kaila did as well because we kept on using it.
So, what is the meaning of nerdy and fly? Well, it's quite simple you see, it means that you don't have to look cool, be popular, or even have cool friends to be FLY. It's really a testament to how awesome nerds can be.

On a deeper level though, this phrase really comes down to self-acceptance. If there's one topic that Kaila and I have spent hours talking late at night or mumbling into our phones from across the country about, it's this: that we both struggle with accepting the people we are. It's a tough world to live in when you feel like you don't fit anywhere. I can't speak for Kaila, but during the times when I feel awkward or like I don't fit in, I feel like a nerd (aka uncool), and during the times when I am with family or with other good friends or simply doing something I love, I feel fly (aka cool). It's a constant struggle between these two states of being and while many would say that choosing to simply be 'fly' is the answer to happiness, I want to choose both. I want to make nerdy, cool. I don't want to put on a fake face of confidence and outgoingness and normalcy. I want to embrace all of the weirdest quirks that make me, me. And I want Kaila to do the same. We all have a nerdy side, at least I think we all do, so please stop trying to hide it.

It is possible, my friends, although probably all of you know this already, to be nerdy and fly, all at the same time.

So yeah, this was quite the strange and disjointed post, but oh well, I will most likely send it off into the internet abyss anyway.

Don't forget to spread the nerdiness, spread the flyness, and most of all, spread the love.
<3 Sophie

also if you know this movie and think it's the most hilarious thing on planet Earth than we will can be instant friends for life :3

Summer/Fall Recap

Hey there.

I'm writing this from my dorm room at NMU on the last day of the 2016 fall semester. Oh how the time has flown. I was just reading my last blog post and realized that I should have posted on this blog a lot more last summer, but hey, better late than never right? 

Let me recap you on the eventful (and uneventful) times that have made up the past six months. 

- I came home. And I have never been more stoked in my life. I will never forget walking into the baggage claim area in the SLC airport and seeing my parents, grandma, and best friend all there waiting for me. When I went outside I had to take a moment to just gaze up at the gorgeous snow-capped Wasatch mountains. Everything was so familiar, and so beautiful. I felt an overwhelming sense that I was in the place I was supposed to be. 

This feeling lasted for the entirety of the summer, I didn't take one day for granted. 

- I trained, a lot. I roller skied and ran more than I have in my life over the summer. It was hard, but also really motivating to see myself improving. I really enjoyed it. I also ran a ton and did some fun runs that I  had never done before. 

- I saw The Neighborhood, The Lumineers, and 21 Pilots in concert.

- I reunited with old friends. I was lucky to get to see almost all of my high school friends over the summer and it was super cool to hear about what they are doing at their respective colleges and how they are doing in general. I've got some awesome people for friends. 

- I accidentally went to an LGBT dance/rave with my best friend Kaila, and it was great.

- Kaila and I wanted to try clubbing but quickly abandoned that idea when we saw the sketchy AF looking club. 

- I went on a camping/climbing trip at Maple Canyon where I experienced a mental breakdown while leading an 11b. My parents were shocked to hear some of those words coming out of my mouth.

- I went on another camping trip with my wonderful mother to Dark Canyon where it was so windy one night that our tent almost flew off a cliff when we were setting it up ( I chased it and almost died). My mom and I also almost ran out of gas while driving on a deserted road absentmindedly jamming to The Beatles.

- I walked the neighborhood trails with my boyfriend P-Diggy.

- I made an embarrassing video of myself showcasing me and Sitka's relationship, although it more just shows my utter lack of friends -- I will post below, don't judge me.

- Kaila and I camped in my metal van on the top of Gaurdsman's Pass in the middle of a sketchy lighting storm.

- I dorked out with my mom on the daily.

- I did many Park City loops with Kyle roller skiing and catching up on our lives.

- I drug Kaila to the MARC with me twice a week to do strength and we suffered through a variety of TRX exercises, bench press, and many other wonderful moments of pain.

- I went to Steamboat for the Fourth of July and had a mostly good time that I can't quite recall. I spent it with Brenna and her boyfriend Ben, two people who I genuinely enjoy.

- I volunteered at Nuzzles and Co. and walked some mangy, but cute dogs around the Rescue Ranch.

- I helped my mom teach art at a retirement home in Heber where we met some super nice older people and one guy who was an awesome artist, really fun time.

- I developed a major crush.

- I climbed a lot at Momentum and accomplished my goal of climbing a 12a by the end of the summer (on top rope).

- My mom and I went to a 3 day sound/healing retreat at the Shambhala Mountain Center in Colorado. We learned some songs and chants and played rhythms on the drums and on the last night we had a ceremony that people came and watched. There is certainly something magical about the giant Buddha that sits peacefully at the Shambhala. I was kind of stressed out going into the whole trip, but I left feeling more peaceful and with my priorities in line.

- Kaila and I accidentally climbed Twin Peaks, the peak that has the highest elevation gain from bottom to top in the Wasatch (we thought we were climbing a different peak) and had an epic getting back down as it got dark and we decided the best way to get down was to scale sketchy AF cliffs and come face to face with a group of mountain goats. There was a moment when Kaila somewhat jokingly asked if we were going to end up on one of those "I shouldn't be alive" shows as we bushwhacked through head-high shrubs and I began stepping down a slippery waterfall, just holding onto vines. I laughed but in my head I was thinking we were screwed. It is safe to say that we were relieved to finally reach the main trail and even happier to get to the car at midnight.

- My family and I went to Canada!! This was probably one of my favorite parts of summer. We went to Squamish and Whistler, BC, and let me just say, that is the place to be. I wasn't sure if there was a place nicer than Park City to live, but Squamish and Whistler take the cake on that one. It was gorgeous there, with towering mountains right by the vast ocean. We hiked, climbed, ran, ate (my personal favorite), explored, and spent time with my parent's friend Nevada. It was a good time with only a few stressful traveling moments.

- I said my goodbyes, which was harder than the first time I left for college.

- I came back to Marquette.

And here I am now, mid ski season. It was a fun summer and I can't wait for the next one, but right now is go-time!!

Thanks for reading, I know this was a very single-minded blog that may not have interested anyone but myself, but I enjoyed writing it and I guess that's what really matters.

<3 sophie

I'll post the video once I get the link working

My Happiness

Welcome back to my blog, friends. Guess where I am writing from today?... Good old Park City, Utah. I am home and it's great. The mountains are beautiful, my house is one thousand times nicer than the dorms, and most of all, I get to be with some of my favorite people on this planet. It couldn't get better, right? Well, the thing about everything being all good is that it is simply not possible. No matter where you are or what you are doing there will always be difficult things, big and small and it's easy to let these obstacles block your view of the great things in your life. I absolutely love my home and I absolutely love summer, but coming home stirred up some old feelings and some unfixed problems that I sort of forgot about when I went to college. So in the spirit of moving past hard things and living every summer day to the fullest, here are 10 things (in no particular order) that make me happy when I am feeling the blues, maybe they can help you too.

1. Exercise
Yep, you guessed it. If you know me, you know that I love to exercise. Sometimes I think I love it a little too much because when I am forced to take a few days off, my mood goes from 100 to 0 real quick. But, on a more serious note, exercise has made me the person I am today and has taught me that hard work and resilience are essential in order to get better at anything and also to feel satisfied with yourself. The time I get to spend outside breathing in the fresh air, is the best time I spend. I hope that never changes.

2. Making people laugh
Contrary to popular belief, I do have a sense of humor. I can prove it because I took a quiz once that told me that humor was the single most important thing in my life, also if you know me well enough, you will be graced with my shart jokes on the daily. Honestly nothing (except maybe exercise) gives me a dopamine rush like when I see someone laugh because of something that came out of my mouth or when someone says a really funny joke that makes me legit laugh (not that fake laugh crap). I believe that everyone, no matter how serious they seem, has a sense of humor and really there is no better way to take the sting out of a painful experience than by laughing at it. Awkward conversation...lol about it later, Accidentally trip while striding confidently in public...laugh it off! Spend your Friday night alone with Netflix... Oh freaking well, we have all done this! The point is, I think the world takes things too seriously. I realize that life is not a joke and there are deep lessons and stuff, but I've read that laughing makes you live longer, so it's worth a try.
*Note: I realize that I am sort of a hypocrite when I write this because I sometimes give off the appearance that I am the most serious person on the planet who has never murmured a "ha" in her sad life, but trust me, that's not who I really am.

3. Nice people
You know when you are having one of those days and then someone just comes along, most likely a stranger, and they are abnormally friendly? Those people make my day and are the true MVPs of the world. They don't care if you are giving off depressing vibes or appear cranky, they will be nice to you anyways! I remember one day at NMU when I was headed out on my afternoon run and I had had a particularly lonely day. I was running past this guy, who looked like a college student as well, and he just looked at me with a big smile and said, "have a nice run!" And bam! I was knocked out of my circling inner thoughts into the real world, where friendly people exist. I love nice people and hope to be one someday ;).

4. Dancing
Seriously people, I love to dance. And I think almost everyone loves to dance as well even if they would never admit it. If you are ever having a crappy day and want to turn your mood around, I would suggest turning on some tunes that make you at least feel groovy and chances are the moves will come along as well! I will admit that if I could redo my life and go after a different passion, it might be dancing, because I love it, but don't count on ever seeing my sweet dance moves unless you have gained my total and complete trust. Sorry.

5. My dogs
This one is sort of a given as dogs tend to bring joy to the world in general, but my dogs specifically bring my sorrow to a stand-still. They are the best therapists around, I tell ya'. On a relatively unrelated note I had a long dream last night about hugging my dog (and my lover) Sitka which either means I really miss him or I am subconsciously attracted to canines, either which could be true.

6. Accomplishments
This one is something that I try to keep in mind everyday because it's really easy to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes it seems like everything in your life is going wrong and this is when it's important to remember the times when things were going well and how you felt during these times. It could be as small as when you helped someone carry something or get a good grade on a test or in my case, have a great race. Don't feel bad about reliving that moment when the going gets tough, because if you keep going and don't give up, you will have more moments like that.

7. Taking a moment
I know this blog seems a little bit peppy and overly-positive, because let's be honest, life isn't always great and it's not supposed to be. I've struggled with anxiety and sadness and have certainly had my fair share of failures. So I know that struggles are inevitable and they aren't something to be ashamed of. If anything, you should be more proud of your struggles than your greatest accomplishments because it's easy to do great but it's extremely hard to struggle. When I'm having a hard time, I try and take a moment, no matter how long that moment is, to be sad. Don't just try to force the feeling to go away because it needs to be acknowledged. Take a walk, watch some Netflix, cry, talk it out, whatever it takes to get the feeling through you.

Anyway, thanks for reading. This post will probably end up helping me more than anyone else, but if you are going through a hard time and want to try any of my very unoriginal methods, go right ahead. :)
<3

Sophie Went to College!

Hello, I would like to thank whoever gave this blog one page view in the last year, I seriously appreciate your support. Well guess what, it's your lucky day because I have just rediscovered this blog and it just happens to be that summer 2k16 is starting in 6 days so I can start writing again! A lot has happened this year and I can genuinely say that it has been one of the best years of my life. For those of you who are living under a rock and are new to my widely popular blog, I am a nordic skier and cross-country runner attending Northern Michigan University in Marquette Michigan. I'm a little rusty on this whole blogging business and should really be studying for finals right now, but I'll give it a shot, because I feel like it. So, for all of you who have been anxiously awaiting my review of the last year, here you go.
I love college. Yep, it's true. It has been a really great year, one of the best of my life and I feel like I have sort been changed by it. I came into this year pretty terrified of what was to come. I have always been very dependent on my parents and I honestly didn't know if I would be able to physically survive without my mom bringing me breakfast and my constant support of my family and friends. I really expected myself to crumble. But actually, the opposite happened. I wouldn't say that I blossomed, because I didn't, but I think I got to know myself a lot better and it turns out we get along pretty well. Because I didn't have someone always offering to help me, I was forced to do things for myself. I felt a sense of joy and confidence when I would walk to class, big college-student me, after lifting weighs at 6:30 AM and submitting all my assignments on time while getting my full 9 hours of sleep (note* this was at the beginning of the semester...). I felt pretty good, and I still do. Although I was around a lot of people in college, I spent a surprising amount of time alone, but I actually liked this. I would find a quiet place when I needed some space and I would just chill out, in fact I'm doing that right now. I enjoyed most of my classes and actually loved a couple of them. The training was amazing and I worked harder than I ever have and I am a way better athlete now than when I arrived. I'm so so happy with how it all went. I would never want to go to a different school.

But okay, there were some rough times too. I don't like to say that I got homesick, because I never cried or got super depressed about missing home, but boy did I really miss Park City and all of my people there. I have never talked on the phone so much in my life and I spent way more time than I would like to admit reminiscing on all the good memories I've had at home. I had a serious case of "the grass is always greener on the other side" type of thing, because although I loved school and I felt great, I still felt like things in Park City would be better. I would get extreme sudden urges to call my parents or my #1 homie Kaila even when I had just talked to them the day before. Sometimes I felt pretty alone. As I've established, I don't mind being alone, but it sucked when I felt left out, although I know it was my fault sometimes. I had some pretty extreme anti-socail behavior cases and I just wished that I could jump into people's friendships. BUT I did make some great friends and I love everyone on my team.
All in all, it's been a great year, I've loved it, even the hard parts
BUT
I am soooo excited for this summer. This year has made me realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing family (Kaila included) to keep me grounded. Here's to an amazing year of college, an even more amazing summer to come, and more blogging!!

:)
<3

The Truth About Gap Years

Gap years: A parent's worse nightmare and a slacker student's wildest dream. Or at least that's one of the stereotypes. Now that my gap year is almost complete I would like to talk about what my gap year experience was really like. 

When this year off school started, I really had no idea how it would be. I was still trying to recover from the marathon that was high school so I wasn't exactly worrying about "finding myself" or spending every day productively over my gap year. People would ask, "What are you going to do during your gap year?" And I would respond with a slightly pathetic, "I don't know, just train mostly..." With a semi-reassuring smile and head nodding. They asked me whether I was going to travel or get a job or take a class (which to be fair I did do), and I would just tell them "we'll see". For me the gap year was more about finding a balance between training and relaxing, and overall just having a fun year before my next 8 (?) years of school begin, not to mention finding my dream school (which I did find!!!). I think there are some misconceptions that a gap year has to be a year jam-packed with activity that most likely includes a service trip and a full time job or internship. Do parents not realize that us teenagers have already been turned into workaholics throughout high school and that what many of us truly need is a break? In my opinion, here are the bad and good things about taking a gap year: 

We'll get the bad things over with first:

- Brain cells were lost. I unfortunately can't remember how to find a derivative and occasionally my brain seems to be functioning at about 70% of what it was in high school. This wouldn't particularly matter except for the fact that I have to take a math placement test and I do NOT want to retake math classes. 

- Sometimes I got seriously bored. Like I would look up "bored" and play a stupid game on the internet.

- I thought too much about skiing. Without much else on my plate, I spent a lot of time over analyzing my training and racing, instead of treating skiing as a reward for surviving school.

- Due to poor snow conditions and other factors such as the one listed directly above this, during this past February, I had a week of extremely low motivation. I really wanted to quit skiing and I felt pretty depressed over it. But thank the lord I stuck with it.

- I wasn't as close to my team as I was previous years. This wasn't really because I took a gap year, it was more because I only trained with my team 3 or 4 days a week instead of 6. This was also due to crappy snow and also not taking part in my team's unorthodox strength training.

-I learned what "binge-watch" means... three episodes in a row does not count. In all seriousness though, this may have been one of the bigger problems during my gap year because it turns out that when a binge-watching session ends, you have to go back to the real world, the one that contains exactly 0 drama and excitement compared to your show. 

- My sleeping habits turned crazy. When you don't have school at 7:30 or training at 8:00, what is the rush to get out of bed? SERIOUSLY PEOPLE?! 

- I didn't meet a lot of new people. Old friends are gold friends right? 

- I had to go through some stuff in my family that was hard. 

- I obtained a seriously crappy cough that I've had for what feels like the last year but is more like the past 4 months. And guess what caused the cough? Inhaling burned cake ashes while trying to be a productive person and bake a cake. #notcool

- Sometimes I felt like I was wasting time.

Now for the good things:

- I feel ready to go to college. Last year at this time, I had just barely decided that I was going to take a gap year and go to Northern Michigan and not Montana State starting that fall. I felt a giant relief come off my shoulders when I made that decision because I knew for a fact that I was not ready to start stressing over school again, not to mention being pulled from my comfort zone and my best friend.

- I learned how to train by myself. Because I have done A LOT of that this summer and the past winter. I now feel like I am a motivated human being because I am able to get myself outside and training every day without the extra push of having a team there by my side. 

- I truly learned the importance of making skiing/training fun. All last fall and the beginning of winter, I was very serious about skiing, but once the races started I only felt frustrated by my mediocre results. I had to realize that the best part of ski racing, is ski racing, it's not about where your name ends up on the results list. 

- I got to spend more time with my parents. I know that some teenagers would cringe at that, but I love spending time with my parents and I'm proud of that. 

- I now have a friend who I know will be a friend for life. Not that Kaila and I wouldn't be friends if I hadn't taken a gap year, but the memories we made over this year are ones that I will treasure. 

- I got to go to Europe! This was an awesome trip and I think back on it with a happy heart. I fell in love with Switzerland and Chamonix and I can't wait to go back someday. 

- I got to paraglide over Chamonix with my 82 year old grandma. This one definitely deserves it's own bullet point. 

- I climbed the Grand Teton with my mom. It was hard but also a super cool experience. 

- I got to rock-climb almost every week. This is something that I know I will miss in college. I really got to the point where I loved to climb, not just kind of liked it. 

- I got to spend time with my favorite animals on the planet, P-Nuggy and Miss B! Watching Bella swim around the Willow Creek lake with other dogs on the Birthday a few days ago was worth taking a gap year in itself (ha maybe not, but it was pretty cute).

- I feel more confident. My self-esteem was about in the 50% range when I left high school, but now I feel like it's up in the 90% range most days. I just don't care what people think of me as much, which is really sweet.

- I went canyoneering in Zion National Park with my homieG Kaila and our families.

- I've forgotten all about that "popular" BS that went on in high school. 

- I have driving skills that I wouldn't have if I'd taken a year long hiatus from driving. 

- I took a class from the University of Utah that I loved (and that's saying something considering how much I drone on about my hatred of high school). The class was Sociology and I cried on the last day and gave my professor a hug... my high school teachers would be shocked to hear this. 

- I had my first official job teaching (trying to teach) young kids how to nordic ski! #accomplishments

- I got to attend the NEG camp last fall, which I wouldn't have gone to if I had taken a gap year. It was an awesome week where I made close friends with Olivia Ekblad and Hannah Halvorsen and we got to do some workouts with the US Ski Team!

- I had another amazingly fun week at Junior Nationals and spent time with some super cool girls!

-  On a more serious note, I learned self acceptance. It's easy to attack yourself when you spend a lot of time alone and doing "nothing", and I had days when I would think "what are you doing with your life?", but I was able to shut that little voice telling me I needed to be following the productive life formula down. How you choose to spend your time is your choice. It shouldn't be societies. 

- Although I may still be confused about what career I want to have, I feel like I know myself a lot better than I did before this year.

- I partied (once). 

:)

My awesome Grandma about to go paragliding!

My mom and I on top of Aguille du Midi! So pretty!

thanks for reading!

Top of the Grand Teton with ma MADRE!

Kaila= Lyfe 

Burned Bread: A Lesson on Failure and Acceptance

A few days ago I went to the library to find a few books that I could indulge myself in now that I've seemingly watched all of the shows that interest me on Netflix. As I awkwardly wandered around the quiet library searching for the Teen section (which I of course found after searching every inch of the rest of the library) I found the cooking section and decided to check out a cook book because why not? And I would feel slightly embarrassed if the only books I checked out were cheesy teen romance novels. The cook book was special because it only had gluten free recipes, so I thought that was pretty neat. And there must have been something else pretty special about it because right when I got home, I felt like cooking (miracle). I started with something that I thought would be easy: baking pumpkin bread.
I carefully stirred all of the ingredients together in a mixing bowl and shamelessly had a little taste. It was super yummy! And this made me more excited for what the bread would taste like. My mom helped me set up the convection oven and at the last minute I spread some coconut oil over the batter for some added flavor. I popped it in the oven and then all I had to do was wait for 25 minutes while it cooked. For the first 10 minutes I patiently waited and watched as the mix raised and started looking unbearably delicious. With 15 minutes to go, I figured I could run upstairs and change my clothes (we were going out to dinner) before the masterpiece was complete. Well, it turns out I was wrong. I walked out of my room (looking quite fashionable, might I add) and turned to my mom in horror as the smell of burning deliciousness wafted into my nostrils. I sprinted down the stairs and I could already see the smoke filling up my kitchen. I opened up the microwave oven and a huge puff of smoke billowed out. I had to step away because it was so intense and I didn't want to get the black lung. I coughed then grabbed some cooking mitts and pulled my beloved cake out only to find that it was completely black. Shocked, I rushed it outside onto my deck to let it smoke and then tried to assess the damage. I found out that sadly, the cake was completely inedible and was more comparable to some ashy igneous rock than pumpkin bread. I immediately felt a rush of sadness. I had failed. I had tried baking and I had failed. My dad called into the room asking if something was burning and then rushed in.
"Oh no! Your yummy bread! Did you just forget about it?"
I scowled, "No. The box told me to bake it for that long! There were still five minutes on the timer!"
I felt worse when my dad checked out the "bread" and said that he had never seen something that burned in his life.
We opened all of the windows and let the cool breeze come in, trying to get the smoke out. I now had a choice: I could wallow in feeling bad for myself that I had burned my pumpkin bread (my first one ever, might I add) or I could move along and laugh about it, because it was, in actuality, pretty funny.
Luckily, I chose the second option. I took pictures of the rectangular black tar while it continued cooling off and I later took pictures as it lay, completely intact, in my garbage can.
The same day,  my whole family went grocery shopping and I was determined to find something else I could bake. I was not going to let that stupid pumpkin bread take me down. Banana bread was the winner and I went on to execute it perfectly the next day for my dad's birthday. As I scarfed down my scrumptious creation I realized that the whole baking experience was just a very small example of what not giving up can do for you. Failure is a part of life, and in order to succeed in anything, you need to be able to get over failure.
I have failed at a lot of things. Some I have simply let go of if they weren't working out of didn't mean a whole lot to me, such as playing soccer or getting a 4.0 in high school. Other things I have failed at, but persevered through, and those are some of the things I love to do most (skiing and running). Someday, if I become a high level skier, I want to be able to tell younger kids that I failed a ton before finally achieving my dream. Heck, I didn't make varsity for the cross-country state meet my freshman year of high school, I was DFL in the 2013 US National classic sprint, and even more recently, I wasn't even close to hitting my goal of qualifying for World Juniors this past winter. All of these moments hurt a lot and made me want to quit, but I am so glad that I didn't, because I simply love to do these sports and I love to race.
In the end, you need to love your failures just as much as you love your successes, because whether you like it or not, they define you and can mean just as much.

On a last note, I would like to mention (although I don't like mentioning it) that I failed my driver's license test four times before I passed it. This was the most humiliating set of failures I have suffered from and I still hate admitting it to people because I feel so inadequate. At the time, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. All my friends would pass on their first try, and then there was me...failing to properly execute my head checks. I pretty much told no one because I was terrified of what they would think. But, now that it's said and done, I'm glad that I had to take the test that many times because I think I am a better driver because of it. I have yet to get in a crash (knock on wood) and I feel like I actually know what I'm doing. So although there were moments when I was genuinely ready to be a lifetime bike-rider and carpooler, I proved to myself that if you just keep on trying, eventually it will work out.

P.S. I now literally have the black lung from inhaling in my burned bread smoke... Oh the joys of failure.